Debra Galant Explains the Universe

Ripped (off) from today's headlines

Hospitals want others blocked from performing cardiac surgery

Headline courtesy Newsday

AP Tuesday January 27, 2004

WUTEGGSIT, N.J. -- The Wuteggsit PTA was devastated today to learn that its spring open-heart surgery fundraiser will be cancelled because of threatened lawsuit by a major New Jersey hospital trade group.

“This is so upsetting,” said Mandi Rosenbaum, chairwoman of the event. “The kids have been looking forward to this for weeks.” Rosenbaum is just one of a dozen mothers who had been training to perform open heart surgery at the “Open Your Heart” capital campaign event scheduled for February.

A single cardiac surgery can bring in $25,000 in fees. “That’s a year’s worth of library books, special assemblies and juice for class parties,” Rosenbaum said. “Now what are we going to do? Hold a bake sale?”

Another organization hoping to cash in on the cardiac surgery craze was Cub Scout Den 532, which had planned on holding a “Open Heart Rally” instead of its traditional Pinewood Derby.

“Anybody can carve a stupid piece of balsa wood,” said den leader Cecil Penderglass. “Cracking open someone’s chest cavity and unblocking a coronary artery, now that’s craftsmanship.”

The hospital group stood by its campaign to keep heart surgery in hospitals. “Sure, anybody with an anesthesiologist and a pair of latex gloves can perform open heart surgery,” a spokesman said. “But it’s not as easy as it looks.”

Mars? What's the big deal?

© Debra Galant 2004

Having promised to explain the universe, it is high time I got to the subject of Mars. There was lots of news about Mars this week, although most of it was overblown.

1. The Spirit, NASA’s first rover to land on Mars, was out of touch.

So? NASA should meet my husband. There are times, particularly when dinner is ready and he’s not home from work yet, when my husband cannot be found. Is this a national emergency? You know, NASA, you’ll never hold onto a rover if you hound it morning, noon and night for data about its whereabouts. Sometimes guys just need a little bit of space. Or, you know, they can’t find a cell to call home on.

2. The Mars Express found water on Mars, in the form of ice.

So? There’s water everywhere, especially places it’s not supposed to be. I spilled half a bottle of water on the car seat today after coming home from the gym. It made a huge mess. We have a leaky gutter that drips so loud when it rains that it’s almost impossible to hear the television. The front steps are coated with ice. Here on earth, this is considered a nuisance.

3. President Bush wants to send astronauts to the moon, and then to Mars. This will cost gazillions of dollars.

So? I want to send my kids to sleep-away camp, and then to college. This will also cost gazillions of dollars. Now, if President Bush offered to send my children to Mars…

4. A second NASA rover, the Opportunity, had a flawless landing on Mars Sunday and sent back mind-blowing pictures to the scientists at home.

So? Show me a second child anywhere that doesn’t outshine their older sibling.

And by the way, Houston, do you think it’s such a great idea to send two siblings off on their own to a distant planet, while you stay at home and watch on the nanny-cam? You know what kind of trouble Spirit can get into. Just wait ‘til he gets wind of all the attention that your precious little Opportunity is getting.