Debra Galant Explains the Universe

Low carb dispensations

Certainly, when God invented low-carb diets, She didn't intend for people to give up Hamentaschen - at least in March.

And She certainly couldn't have wanted me to walk right past the free bread samples at Panera, could She?

I'm having a little trouble with this first phase of South Beach - during which nothing white (bread, rice, potatoes, pasta etc.) is supposed to pass my lips. Mostly I'm "good." Today, cottage cheese for breakfast, V-8 juice and a couple mozzarella sticks for lunch, salmon and salad for dinner. (OK, so cottage cheese IS white, and mozzarella sticks are pale yellow. You want to make something of it?) I could practically die from the boredom. But then there were those little bread samples at Panera. And when I heard the kids mention Hamentaschen after walking in from Hebrew school tonight, I was like Pavlov's dog. In heat.

Certain things I've successfully given up. Breakfast cereal, for example. And pasta. But Hamentaschen?

A number of years ago, I was in the hospital in March recovering from a back operation. Into my room walks your rabbi from Central Casting: black hat, black coat, beard - the whole bit. He was carrying a bag. And - did I mention? - it was March. Purim time?

I practically leaped from the bed.

"Do you have Hamentaschen for me?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, sounding a little surprised, maybe even disappointed, that I knew what was in his goody bag. "So you're a good Jewish girl, are you? You do other things, besides eat Hamentaschen? Go to temple? Light the candles?"

Just hand over the friggin' Hamentaschen, OK?

Ah, flour, sugar, shortening; jelly, prunes or poppy seeds. If God had meant for me to be skinny, She should have given me a better metabolism. And She shouldn't have invented Hamentaschen.

Noah the vegetarian

Noah came home today with the news that he's thinking about becoming a vegetarian. He sounded a little like a politician floating an idea, waiting for the poll results.

"Why?" I said.

"Because it seems unfair to kill an animal just to give you a meal," he answered.

Yesterday, he came home with the news that he was going to become a hippie and grow a pony tail. That's fairly big news because for the past year he's sported a crew cut. He also reported that he wanted to go out and buy some hippie regalia, including tie-dye shirts and bandanas, and that his friend Tyler, who is a Republican, isn't going along with this hippie thing - although Andrew and Carey are.

Noah is 11.

I know that a lot of kids announce their plans to become vegetarians and few stick with it. Noah, however, decided when he was 9 to become kosher and has stuck to it. No one else in our family is kosher. In fact, the other night, when Noah got invited last-minute to a sleepover, I called Warren up, excited.

"Guess what? Noah's sleeping over at Rachel and Alex's. We can eat trayf. Pick up Chinese."

This doesn't mean that Noah's deeply religious. Just that he can stick to things. The other day, at synagogue, listening to all the prayers saying that God was great, terrific, wonderful, marvelous, etc., Noah said, "It sure sounds like we're sucking up to him."

I asked him later if he thought God had a sense of humor.

"I hope so," he said.

He says he's going to try the vegetarian thing for about a week, and if it's not too bad, he's going to stick with it. It will also make being kosher easier, he pointed out.

I countered with the fact that it will make cooking family dinners harder.

"And besides," I said. "You might have to eat some vegetables."

Noah, who hates vegetables, thinks they should call it something else then. He wants to be a carb-o-tarian.

I, meanwhile, signed up today for the South Beach Diet - on the recommendation of the rabbi's wife Marilyn, who I saw at temple Saturday, 30 pounds lighter than the last time I saw her. Which shows how religious I am.

It will be interesting to see who sticks to their diet plan longer, me or Noah.

My money is on the kid.