Debra Galant Explains the Universe

Kissin' Cousins

There's nothing prosaic about a family reunion when it's my husband's family reuniting. Here, a Frankenstein-inspired balloon-art head-linking sculpture created by cousin David (a.k.a Binky) during a rousing game of Balderdash. More pictures in the album on the sidebar.

Wow, these spammers can write!

Drugs, drugs, they all offer me drugs! And with such creative come-ons. I mean who wouldn't respond to such brilliant pitches as:

coniferous catheter splintery jolt

Valium delivered to your home

Ajc2 demon bubbles of 0864

HI Wleung defendant 8 starlets

began frescoes car buick goggle morse aires belly canis wove individualism r's collier dirichlet

Make Your Jimmy Bigger

And, for its elegant simplicity, the winner is:

gassy

There's your cliffhanger

I was disappointed when the season finale of "24" ended without a cliffhanger. Then the news came on: major terror act planned for this summer.

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

Shameless pandering to cat lovers

I learned at Bloggercon that posting cat pictures is a sure way to boost readership. So here's my friend Sue's cat Milo. Milo, like all of Sue's cats, lives an enchanted existence. He even has his own cat-sized screen porch.

Would this get past the FCC?

Teenagers are renowned for never giving up any critical information to their parents. But this mother hit the motherlode on the way home from the city this weekend, after her teenager complained of never getting over an 85 on a health test. A test was scheduled for Monday.

"This time you'll get 100!" I said enthusiastically. "I'll help you study. What's the subject?"

"Sex."

Oh.

Turns out that sex education is way different than in my day. According to my 9th grader, the teacher brought in models of the male and female anatomy and demonstrated the correct placement of a condom and a diaphragm. She also taught them to check the expiration date on the condoms.

I was corrected twice for referring to "Sexually Transmitted Diseases" (STD's), which apparently were renamed "Sexually Transmitted Infections" (STI's) at some point during the 20 years I've been monogomous. (Points off for incorrect acronyms. Extra credit if I spelled monogomous right.)

They were also instructed about masturbation, but apparently not given a demonstration.

And this was all co-ed.

I don't remember much else, because I kind of turned into Hank Hill. Not that I'm against sexually-explicit sex ed, I just think I'd rather help with social studies math.

UPDATE: She got 104 on the test! Extra credit for tearing open the condom package without using her teeth, I guess.

Debbie Goes to the Hospital Part II (the bill)

ER visit: $700
Two nights semi-private room: $6,000
C/T body scan: $1,763
Drugs: $1,035
Lab work: $539
X-rays: $278
Tons of internet linkage from blogging friends after I got out: Priceless

I guess it's a good thing I didn't get internet access while I was there. At these prices, a high-speed connection for two days would have been....oh, about, $700.

Comparison shopping in NJ

What with the war and all, it pays to comparison shop these days.

#1: Exxon, corner of Elm and Bloomfield, Montclair
#2: Shell, corner of Pine and Claremont, Montclair
#3: Gulf, corner of Pine and Bloomfield, Montclair
#4: And the winner is....Delta, corner of Bloomfield and Park, Glen Ridge.

What the children want

My kids both want cell phones. The older child has wanted one for a long time. Since 7th grade, lots of other kids have had them. Right after she entered 7th grade, 9/11 happened -- and that caused school policy on the devices to ease up. Seems kids and parents want to be able to stay in touch during an emergency and school officials (who previously saw them as drug dealer equipment) decided to go along. So now there's a "don't ask, don't tell" cell phone policy at school. As long as your cell phone doesn't go off in class, you won't get in trouble for having one.

And older child points out, it would make parental drop-offs and pick-ups for things like rehearsals a lot less complicated.

Now the younger child wants one too, and since he's now tying up the land lines around the house, his is a somewhat pressing case. He is also a rational little bargainer, so he's suggesting plans that would have him generating a big enough income stream to pay the monthly bills. He could, for example, babysit for a family a couple of times a month. Or, he suggested, maybe he could cut our lawn. Since he's half the size of the lawnmower, I'm uncomfortable about that. But I did see this as an opportunity to really get the kids to do chores. Clear the table, load the dishwasher, clean your room, vacuum when I ask you to, do the recycling -- all without requiring me to nag -- and if you can do this for at least two weeks, maybe we'll get you a cell. Then, presuming this plan goes into effect, non-performance means the cell phone gets taken away for, say, a week. A constant positive/negative reinforcement plan.

I must say, I do admire this child's enterprise. And I'd much rather spring for a cell phone than the other thing he's bargaining for.

But will it just be the old bait-and-switch? The of-course-I'll-take-care-of-the-dog ploy? And what happens when they lose their phones? I mean, half the time the younger one can't even remember to bring his lunch to school. Why should he do any better with an expensive piece of electronics?

And what am I to make of the fact that they both insist they must have flip phones, while the husband and I manage perfectly fine on our standard Nokias?

And then there's this.

Help, anyone?

Should I let my kids have cell phones?

Heck, yes. They're kids. It's the 21st century. What are you waiting for? Yes, but hold them to a strict chore contract. No, they'll never live up to their end of the bargain. No. Brain damage. Get a family plan and stop making a federal case out of it.

View the results Hosted by WebEnalysis

Now I will look like Tina Fey

Only more so.

I'm a contact lens drop-out. Wannabe. Never was. Went today to try on the new super-duper $550 contacts, which were to correct distance, reading and an astigmatism. Felt like I was wrestling alligators into my eyes. You have to open them that wide? And then stick them underneath your eyelids? Gross. Finally, I got one in, the contact lady got the other in, and the real bite was: I couldn't see.

She admitted that they weren't fitting very well, that my eyes were a little small and then recommended *gasp* hard lenses.

Screw that. I went to Pearle Vision Center on the way home and picked out a pair of glasses that make me look like I do fake news for a living. Does it get any cooler than that?

Pops explains the universe

This one comes from Pops. Ok, Pops, you did the art. You get one free question.