All dressed up and nowhere to go

When you set yourself up as a Universe Explainer, you do have to expect a question or two from the little people. So in my mailbox today comes this query from a new blogger who is trying to start a meme -- actually two memes at once *sigh* -- and wants my help. How is such a thing done? What's the etiquette? Can we explain the TrackBack?

Of course she must be referencing my wildly successful "My Mother Was Right" meme, which wound up on, hmmm, maybe two other sites. Or maybe she came to me because of the "Declare Your Blog Letter" idea. (No, maybe not.) On the other hand, Jo and I did have some success with "International Blog Comment Day." And I was in fairly early on the "Joogling" deal. So maybe Elizabeth is not so much barking up the wrong tree.

And I think, actually, that Elizabeth's idea may have legs. Here is what she wants you to do, Ladies and Gentlemen:

If you could have a dinner party and the only limitations were a) total number of people including you could not exceed 12 b) you cannot invite more than 1 person that you actually know and all your guests must be alive today.

Who would you invite? And what would the seating arrangement be?

I do question why we must only have live guests at this dinner party since, after all, it's merely hypothetical. I mean, the Marquis de Sade might be a very interesting dinner companion. And there are a few people I actually knew, who passed away, who I wouldn't mind having back for the occasion. My old Dow Jones pal John Liscio, for example, was always a hoot.

But rules are rules, and this is Elizabeth's parlor game, not mine. So we will try to obey.

I am not bothering with the seating arrangements, because we tend to entertain fairly informally around here. Assuming that my charming son and I are the hosts (Noah points out that he is forced to stay in his room for actual dinner parties, so why can't he be the co-host of this make-believe one?), who would our 10 other guests be?

1. Like Elizabeth, I have to pick Jon Stewart
2. Charlie Kauffman, from whose fertile imagination came "Being John Malkovitch," "Adaptation" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
3. Ira Glass
4. P.D. James (heard her on Lenny Lopate's "Survival Kit," and she sounded quite charming. Besides, a great accent and we are short on women)
5. Someone ex-Bush administration like Richard Clarke to give us the inside dope on that shipwreck
6. Hmmmm, we're still short women. Thinking, thinking.... and Katherine Hepburn is dead. How about J.K. Rowling?
7. And while we're on female authors, Diane Johnson.
8. Noah wants Kiefer Sutherland, and while we don't know whether he can really hold up his end of the conversation, for sheer stubbly good looks, we'll have him.
9. Lauren Bacall (she's still alive, right?) for her stories about Humphrey Bogart, and because she can't be so good looking as to make for a huge inferiority complex
10. And do we want Mia Farrow for her dish on Woody Allen? Or Julia Child? I did mention this was pot luck, didn't I?

But wait. Maybe we'll drop J.K. or... Mia. I mean, do we need dish on Woody? How about Judith Martin of Miss Manners fame? We seem to be having a lot of fun adopting her smug tone of voice and we're sure she could amuse us with all kinds of tales about the louts who send her questions in the mail. Besides, she'd be such a help setting the table.

And come to think of it, we'll have to bump somebody else in order to invite The Soup Lady.

Well, Elizabeth, darling, I've done my best. I would send you a BackTrack, but I don't see a TrackBack code on your site. Dear, dear. I guess I'm not such an expert after all. I'll just have to send you and old-fashioned e-mail instead.

Comments

[The Soup Lady]

Can I sit next to Ira Glass?

[bluepoppy]

Julia Child to a pot-luck? Now THAT's inspired!

[ricky]

I can't believe I wasn't invited! But then, as a host, you're probably concerned about having enough wine.

It's prudent on your part. Though, I'm sure I'm better conversation than Kiefer. And, I probably shave less, too.

[Debbie Galant]

Sheesh Ricky. I didn't even know your name. All these weeks you've been on my blogroll (and I on yours) and there's not been any correspondence between us. I thought all you cared about was politics. All I had to do to get your attention was throw a dinner party and not invite you.

But you are cute, or at least there's a picture of some cute guy fishing on your blog. So, sure. I'll bump the Kief for you.

Do you mind sitting next to Sue Pleydee?

And Sue, Ricky on one side, Ira on the other. OK?

[Noah]

Exuse me, mom but did you say you were gonna "Bump the Kief"?

I got two problems with that:

1.He is the only one of the ten I got to choose.
2.THE KIEF?

[Mom]

1. First of all, Noah, thank you for communicating with me in my preferred mode: by commenting on my blog.
2. When using Mom as a name, please capitalize.
3. You'll sit next to J.K. Rowling, won't that be nice?
4. OK, we'll keep "the Kief" and get rid of hmmmm.... Lauren Bacall.

You happy? And if you're not, you can just go to bed.

[roxanne]

1. Bill Clinton
2. Valerie Plame
3. Bill Murray
4. Margaret Cho
5. Salman Rushdie
6. Margaret Atwood
7. Martin Scorcese
8. Kate Bush
9. Walter Cronkite
10. Jane Goodall

Yes, I know one of them (but I'm not tellin') and if Spalding Gray were alive, I'd definitely invite him.

[roxanne]

And the husband's list ...

1. Margaret Atwood
   
2. Jane Goodall
   
3. Meryl Streep
   
4. Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
   
5. Kate Bush
   
6. J.K. Rowling
   
7. Jennifer Jason Lee
   
8. Clare Danes
   
9. Bjork
   
10. Madeline Albright
    

Almost a coven!

[Me, again]

Rox, when are these parties? Should I bring red or white?

[Ben]

Several things, first of all, it's interesting that you consider yourself the big fish of all the 'mom blogs.' Now when I was a kid, we always thought the big fish ate the little fish, and there were fish babies, and then something happened with eels. I don't know, it was nutty. We don't have water in Nebraska, so it all seems like magic to us.

I've decided not to say my second thing.

And lastly, if I were to have this event I know all the smart and entertaining people I'd invite would crowd me out. i'd rightly feel inferior and worthless, and would probably just end up trying to drown myself in the kitchen sink. It would be a bad scene.

So realizing I'd just be ignored anyway, I think I'd try to get a bunch of people known to hate each other so I could enjoy it, a la Jerry Springer. Think guests like Tom Wolfe v. John Irving, George Bush v. Kos. You get the idea. I'd also throw in someone like Paris Hilton so everyone could agree on something.

[me, again]

Ben, I never noticed the "me" fish is bigger than the other "mom blog" fish. But more importantly, do you think my page is too yellow?

And Paris Hilton? Do we agree she's cute? Insipid? Expand.

[roxanne]

Yes, too yellow. My retina are burning.

[roxanne]

Try this 'butter' color: FFF8DC

[Tom]

You use retina like you can pluralize with the "a" only. I didn't think that was so, yet I am too lazy at the moment to look it up. So which is it - the right or the left?

[me, again]

I didn't realize Tom was talking to Rox. Sheesh. This IS a dinner party. Ok, guys, I'm going to refresh the Margaritas. Talk amongst yourselves.

[Tom]

Hey, these things happen when you get too many people in the room. Wait, did you just say margaritas?

[roxanne]

n. pl. ret·i·nas or ret·i·nae (rtn-)

[Jo]

Here's what I think of Paris Hilton, of course. There's more, but this is my contribution to the world.

http://spanglemonkey.typepad.com/spanglemonkey/2004/01/persnickity_dem.html#comments

[me, again]

Jo: So that means, um, you wouldn't invite her?

Tom: Hurry, the Margaritas are ready.

Rox, Sue, Ricky, Keifer, Noah? Everybody else set for a while?

[me, again]

Oh and Jo, I just noticed, our websites are wearing the same color. Hope that's not like showing up at a party in the same dress.

And by the way, Jo meet Rox, Rox meet Jo. But I'm sure you've met already. You're both friends of Margaret Cho.

[ricky]

Only interested in politics? Of course not!

I only rant about politics. Well, also about Joe Paterno and movies made from books I enjoy.

But, if you visit the about me on my blog, you'll see I also practice poise and erudition.

Which, unless you want your party to be a disaster, will be important. In at least one guest.

And we know we can not expect it from Keifer.

And, yes, that is me fishing. Well, baiting. And, if I do say so myself, I am--I can't resist it!--a master baiter.

[rox]

Oh, Jo and I already know each other. We're like ::this::

If it's all the same to you, I'd like something stiffer than a ma-ga-ga-ga.

[me, again]

Ricky, you practice poise and erudition... but do you achieve it?

Rox, what are you having? Scotch? I was about to put on some coffee.

By the way, folks, Margaret Cho will be running the party while I watch "24."

Later.

[ricky]

Poise and erudition are not things we, ourselves, can claim to have acheived.

The only true test is whether or not the person sitting next to you throws a drink in your face. And, then, if so, how you react.

[roxanne]

Scotch'll work.